Things change

This thing has sat dormant long enough. I suppose this is the place I can let my id let loose considering that I doubt anyone cares to read it and no one will. I think I am done with Jessica even though it does not feel done. I tried and failed with her. She simply has no relevance in my life anymore. I think I have outgrown her and I think if I continued associating with her she will only be a hindrance on me. I thought I loved her a few times. I always thought she was my friend. But now I realize she is a weight that drags down not only me but everyone.

I wanted to prove her wrong that people don't just leave her life; that I would not leave her life. This is the thing that still bothers me more than anything. I feel like I became a liar after deciding that I don't want to be in her life anymore. I don't need a sedimentary person in my increasingly mobile and hectic life. It is better for me to be alone than to be attached to someone that, and let's tell the truth her, is such a pill, such a drag, such a downer most of the time.

I reverted back to a very spiteful and mean spirited person last night talking to her. I said some hurtful things. I have to be honest with myself. I said things that in retrospect I know are not true about her. I told her she was embarrassed to be seen with me when I have no proof that this is true. I don't want to be the kind of man that says that kind of things to the woman he cares about whether it was in anger or not. I am supposed to be better than that. I take full responsibility for my misconduct.

That said, I am tired and weary of her nihilism and agoraphobia. I am tired of what seems to me to be her depression or bi-polarity. I don't know. I just don't know. I just think I have outgrown her and I know longer want to feel guilt for that kind of behavior that was elicited from me last night. This was a long time coming I just wanted to hold on to hope that she could have been the one once she had worked out her issues and had grown up some. I feel sad. I feel ashamed. I feel like I have let her down in deference to my own mental health. I am dealing with a bit of cognitive dissonance about this. I feel physically tired as well as emotionally. I can live my life without a woman in it. I will miss Jessica.

I will miss Jessica.