Things change

This thing has sat dormant long enough. I suppose this is the place I can let my id let loose considering that I doubt anyone cares to read it and no one will. I think I am done with Jessica even though it does not feel done. I tried and failed with her. She simply has no relevance in my life anymore. I think I have outgrown her and I think if I continued associating with her she will only be a hindrance on me. I thought I loved her a few times. I always thought she was my friend. But now I realize she is a weight that drags down not only me but everyone.

I wanted to prove her wrong that people don't just leave her life; that I would not leave her life. This is the thing that still bothers me more than anything. I feel like I became a liar after deciding that I don't want to be in her life anymore. I don't need a sedimentary person in my increasingly mobile and hectic life. It is better for me to be alone than to be attached to someone that, and let's tell the truth her, is such a pill, such a drag, such a downer most of the time.

I reverted back to a very spiteful and mean spirited person last night talking to her. I said some hurtful things. I have to be honest with myself. I said things that in retrospect I know are not true about her. I told her she was embarrassed to be seen with me when I have no proof that this is true. I don't want to be the kind of man that says that kind of things to the woman he cares about whether it was in anger or not. I am supposed to be better than that. I take full responsibility for my misconduct.

That said, I am tired and weary of her nihilism and agoraphobia. I am tired of what seems to me to be her depression or bi-polarity. I don't know. I just don't know. I just think I have outgrown her and I know longer want to feel guilt for that kind of behavior that was elicited from me last night. This was a long time coming I just wanted to hold on to hope that she could have been the one once she had worked out her issues and had grown up some. I feel sad. I feel ashamed. I feel like I have let her down in deference to my own mental health. I am dealing with a bit of cognitive dissonance about this. I feel physically tired as well as emotionally. I can live my life without a woman in it. I will miss Jessica.

I will miss Jessica.

My A-Ha Moment...Take On Me

So today in English we received our first major writing assignment. It is a literacy narative. We are to write an autobiographical account in our lives where reading and/or writing has influenced our lives in a positive or negative way. For a reason I kind of understand the play "Wit" has niggled at my mind since getting my assignment. There is a scene that I will not go into very great detail about that keeps coming back to me. It explains how the main character had that "a-ha" moment while reading a children's story and comes across a word she had not encountered before. Encouraged by her father she looks up the word in the dictionary and suddenly relates an illustration in the book to the definition of the word.

I think I want to tell a similar story about how working through a word let me turn a corner and discover my a-ha moment that led to my love of reading and ultimately my love for writing. I think it will parallel nicely and also prove to be quite "meta". I can recall triggered flashbacks, I can make allusions to John Donne and Beatrix Potter and to the play "Wit". My only concern is I can't remember the name of the book or the author of the book that gave me my a-ha moment. It is something I will have to reconcile with myself to make this all work.

The Beginning of the Whole Mess

This is me and there will be more.